I've been thinking about blogging for a long time, but I am afraid to blog or anything like that because I don't know what I'm thinking and I feel really alone. I'm afraid of what will come out. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. But most of all, I'm afraid of throwing my thoughts out into a void and getting no response. I'm afraid to put myself out on that limb and then fall off with no one around to catch me or even notice that I've fallen. When I talk to someone in person, I can tell if they're listening and if they care, but emails and blogs are so impersonal. I don't know who will read them and of those people who do read them, how many people read them out of true interest & how many out of a sense of obligation & how many just skim them and then just go on with their own lives never giving my life a second thought. And even if people read my updates with genuine interest, it's not true communication unless they respond because I'm still in the same position of feeling like I'm throwing my thoughts into an empty void.
Part of the reason I feel like this is because I'm part of the empty void for other people. I'm genuinely interested in their lives and what they're doing, but when I get their emails, I often just skim them or mark them to read later. Even if I do read them, I don't know what to say without sounding superficial, so I often just don't reply at all. I feel like I can't really be connected with people as I desire to be, so I'm afraid to try.
"I feel like I can't really be connected with people as I desire to be, so I'm afraid to try." I think that's a profound insight that can be applied to a lot of levels of my life. On one level, it applies to my Indian friends here -- I'm afraid of my low level of Hindi and our cultural differences, so I'm afraid to try to build deeper relationships with them. I'm afraid that if I try to communicate my thoughts & life to them that I'll fail and they won't understand. Then they'll be left confused, and I'll be disappointed. And I'm afraid that they won't want to put fort the effort it'd take to understand me -- I mean there are thousands of people all around that they can easily communicate with, so why take the time to try to understand me. So I'm afraid to try to build relationships with them, and when I do try, it's in small, shy steps. But I'm trying with some people, and I am making progress, slowly.
Another level is friends in America. Again I'm afraid of cultural differences -- not because we come from different cultures, but because I'm now immersed in a new culture, and I'll never be the same again. I know that no one will ever understand fully what I'm going through, so I'm afraid to try to explain it to them. And I often wonder who would care enough to even try to understand. Again, it's a fear of rejection. I'm afraid that I'll start to explain it to someone, but that they won't try to understand & they'll just blow off my thoughts and my experiences. And again, there are thousands of people in America that they can much more easily connect with, so why would anyone take the time to try to understand me. But I know that if I don't try, I definitely won't succeed, so I want to do better at putting myself out there and giving people a chance to respond and invest in my life.
And then there's other Americans who live in India and other countries besides America. But I often think that they're busy with their own lives and their own problems (some of which are similar to mine). So that means we should talk more & try to help each other, but for some reason we don't. Maybe there's just some gap I'm afraid to cross -- again for fear of failure and rejection. (Wow, I started almost every sentence in this paragraph with a conjunction!)
Then all these fears of rejection and failure to connect and communicate carry over to my relationship with Jesus. He already understands everything about me and about every culture, but I still don't know where to start when I talk to Him. On one hand, I know that He cares and wants me to share everything with Him, but on the other hand, He already knows everything, so I think why would He want to listen to me tell Him what He already knows. And I want to listen to Him, but again I'm afraid that I won't understand or that I won't respond right. I transfer my fears to Him and think that He's not interested in me -- there are thousands of people out there who are probably doing a better job at seeking Him and following Him than I am, so why should He bother with me?
I know that these are lies -- all of them. I know He loves me and values me, but I still have these doubts and fears. Please pray that I will believe Him more. Pray that He will draw me nearer to Himself and replace these lies with His Truth. Apart from Him, I am nothing.
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matt. 6:26
"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." Matt. 5:6
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matt. 6:26
"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." Matt. 5:6
